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Another Baby?

February 24, 2013

My desire to have another child (which would bring our count to four !?!?!?) waxes and wanes.

When we conceived the Doodle, we were pretty sure we were done with three.  Then as the pregnancy progressed, I was pretty sure I was done, but wanted to leave the possibility of more babies open for another four years just to be sure.

During the Doodle’s first year, there was no way Otto and I would have another baby. We just didn’t have the bandwidth to parent another kidlet.

Then shortly after the Doodle’s first birthday, something shifted.  There was a two-week period where I really wanted another baby.  That window of desire closed as quickly as it opened, and over the past year, there have been times where either Otto or I have seriously contemplated and craved adding a fourth to our family. It’s never been at the same time and the desire has always been fleeting.

We’ve also moved up our time frame and have decided that if we do indeed want to make another baby we’d like to make the decision this summer.  We may not TTC for another year or so, but we’d like to know what we’re going to do sooner than later.

Adding a baby to our family is only in response to some primitive biological urge.  The rationale self doesn’t have the time, the energy or the money to raise a fourth child.  We just miss having a baby, and we’d like for the Doodle to have a sibling closer in age.

When our KD was visiting earlier this year, we reviewed our donor agreement. During the course of this conversation we reviewed the clause that if we were to have any future children he would get first right of refusal to donate.  He’s okay with this clause, only he seemed a little surprised and caught off guard that we were actively discussing having a fourth.  He also shared that he’s in the early stages of investigating surrogacy to start his family as a single dad.

He made it clear that although he loves what we have, it’s too much processing for him, and he wasn’t considering asking either of us for an egg donation.

But in that moment when we thought we might ask him to help us have another kid, I briefly saw a “hell no” cross his face.  It was a micro expression and I could totally be misreading him.

This subtle non-verbal reaction didn’t really concern me until another mom in my online circle shared that they had decided they wanted child #2 and they had asked their KD if he would donate again.  She spent a month waiting with bated breath for his response.  And then he said no.

In that moment I realized that if our KD decided he wouldn’t donate again, I’d be done.  I wouldn’t want to go the anonymous route and have to use a fertility clinic.  We’d have to research a whole new way to conceive and I’m just not that interested in that process, and I’m not really interested in all the ups and downs that could involve, and I guess in a way I’m not that invested in another child with another different set of rules of conception and biological linkages.  It’s too overwhelming.

If our KD is done then I’m done, too.

When I came to that realization, I’m wondering if we should just ask him what he would say if we were to ask him today if he’d donate his sperm again.

If I can avoid months of self-reflection, and thought, and true assessment of my desires and my capacity to parent, then maybe I should.

What I fear most is that we decide to have another baby, get our hearts set on that, and then are crushed when he says no.  I’m scared of having to deal the with emotional complexity of not being able to try for a baby that we decided we really wanted (or if my 35-year-old body decides not to cooperate and reproduce with ease again).

It wouldn’t be so devastating if we never got to the point of actually being able to imagine another maybe baby and to have that possibility ripped away from us.

So maybe we should ask him. Maybe, in this case, it’s just easier to have someone else take the decision out of your hands.

4 Comments leave one →
  1. February 27, 2013 1:56 pm

    Oh wow, that’s a big decision with some fast-approaching deadlines. I think asking your KD makes a ton of sense. After all, if that’s really the only way you’d be willing to conceive, then he could save you any more uncertainty on the matter if his answer is no. But I realize that also puts your cards on the table to start to have these conversations. Asking a KD if he wants to help you have a baby you’ve already decided you want is one thing. But asking him if he’s open to helping you maybe make a baby or maybe not feels a little different. But I don’t know your relationship with KD – maybe that conversation doesn’t have to be a big deal. I’ll be very interested to learn if you decide to talk to him now!

    • March 11, 2013 8:19 am

      The deadlines are all self-imposed, so they’re moveable, but I’m pretty sure I’d like to make a decision this summer. Today, four kids seems like a lot to handle.

  2. March 6, 2013 10:15 am

    Wow, that sounds like several complicated decisions (whether or not to ask your KD and whether or not you even want to try for another one). I know that I would have the ability to waffle endlessly about trying again and it might be nice to just know one way or the other. But it also feels hard to have such a major decision left up to someone else. Good luck figuring it all out!

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